Archive for December, 2008

Christmas

{ December 25, 2008 @ 12:20 pm } · { :( }
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It’s Christmas Day.

And nothing really seems different. I don’t know. I think I have never experienced a Christmas this lonely. Yes there were Christmases that made me feel sad or sentimental – it’s actually supposed to feel like that for some people. But this time, I just feel empty. Maybe it has something to do with spending Christmas with a broken heart. Hahahahaha…

But I guess I’m not the only one feeling this. My friend, Ximo, texted me at 3am this morning and she was sad because this was the last Christmas she’ll be spending with her family (she has nursing duties the following years) yet her older brother’s not home (I guess spending Christmas with his girlfriend) and her parents were quarreling over a petty thing.

Maybe it’s also part of growing up. There’s a little longing for that old Christmas spirit when you’ll be crowding beneath the Christmas tree, excited to open your gifts. But now we’re older and we have to accept that we have a new role for Christmas.

Sadly, I also got lazy shopping for gifts this Christmas. In my last two years in college, I have successfully planned and made presents for my classmates and friends, and even my family, and have given them out before the holidays. But this time I just managed to buy a milky bone for our dog. Haha! But I also promised myself that I WILL buy stuff after Christmas. I also got lazy of personalizing my Christmas text messages but at least I sent them out to most of the people in my phonebook. And even if most people will greet you Merry Christmas and tell you to indulge in eating and eat eat eat, we just had a simple noche buena last night. I didn’t even insist to eat a little later than our usual 7pm dinner which I usually do during Christmas. I also didn’t brag my grandmom to actually prepare something special. So that will do.

I’m also starting to wonder why we should have a Christmas vacation at school. I mean, this year we have 11 days of holiday for Christmas. I guess that’s just enough, right? I just bummed out the rest of the days last week. Or maybe there’s just something wrong with me.

Hay, I should get my head straight. Preparation is key! Hai! Hai! Hai! After this day, I’ll try to spend more quality time for me and everyone else!

Merry Christmas!

Fragility

{ December 15, 2008 @ 12:35 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Somehow I got everything under control.

But nothing’s changed about me.

So here I am again, tackling my foe alone for I believe it is the best way.

I wanna be normal

Like everyone else

So I’m sad, and what am I to do?

I bought a bottle of vodka -

The only alcoholic beverage

I’ve learned to drink

And went to the place

Where everything happens

And I’m alone as usual

It’s perfect

Just like what you once said.

It’s time.

I opened the bottle

And in your name I drank the first gulp

And just as the liquid poured in my throat,

All my memories of you

Seem to have flooded my eyes…

I thought that this was the solution.

But I realize that it was not.

For because of this I remember you more

And it doesn’t really help.

I drank a little more

And the alcohol seems to sink in

And in my crazy state

I remember our kiss

As my lips touch the bottle’s mouth

for another gulp.

It seems so similar

In my trance, in my desire for more.

But the pain along with the memory

just sinks further down me.

I sat up and realized

my low alcohol toleration has proven itself.

With merely a bottle

the world seems to revolve beneath my feet.

I passed the mirror and saw my red lips

sort  of glowing against my pale face.

It was the effect of the drink

for it was gone the moment I washed it.

And slightly I felt stronger for myself.

But not at all for you.

For I know I can defend myself from everyone – everything -

but you.

And I know I’ll be waiting again

for myself to heal.

This is really nothing new, right?

Been here before once

And this time I just wished for one thing and you never did that.

I just wished

you’d never let me slip away from you again.

meew2

Upside Down – 6cyclemind

Inexistence

{ December 6, 2008 @ 10:16 am } · { Uncategorized }
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…and it became true.

Everything seems quite alright for the past weeks. Unlike last semester, school work is less tiring, there’s no more orgwork for me, and life generally just seems okay.

But, I still feel sad.

It’s scary to realize that your happiness depends on one person. Everything may turn out okay, but at the end of the day, what matters is that single person – and what he does or does not do.

I don’t know if I’m being too sensitive ’cause when I think of it, it’s really just nothing. But then, one wrong move ruins my day, and the next, and the next week to come. My heart’s sinking further and further down with every slightest hint of negligence caused by that big block that occupies my heart.

Yes, I feel naglected.

Yes, I feel unappreciated.

And yes, I can feel my inexistence.